Raw Emotions…dealing with them.

I have been so hesitant over the last few years to really discuss my emotions, or the roller coaster ride my family has been on. You see, I don’t want to be seen as weak and broken.  Those words are not who I am, or associate myself with being, BUT they are exactly how I FEEL at times. You may or may not want to read about our struggle, but if you do I promise to be candid and real. I want to be here for any of my readers who may be going through their own struggle, and be a place for them to land and know they are normal. So where do I begin?

I would describe December 2010 as hell on earth for us. We were punched in the gut, but punched by a  heavyweight. The news that we received was heavy, very heavy. My husband was diagnosed with cancer (lymphoma). I see this day as a day that replays in slow motion. We went into the doctor that day knowing he was going to tell us my husband just needed his tonsils removed. Instead he preceded to examine my husband, again, and then started to read a report from a scan my husband had done the day before. The words that came out of his mouth were venom instead.” You have cancer”. “Cancer?” “What?” Then we felt like we were going to vomit, literally. My husband started gagging. The fear is so scary. Paralyzing. My head started to spin, and my ears started to ring. I look up at my husband and he is so sick. The doctor gave us a few minutes. My baby girl was with us, just 15 months old. She was our rock that day, and still shares a special place in our hearts (especially daddy) because of this. She represented: fight, hope, promise, survive, and so much more. Those were some of the scariest moments we have ever had. We cried, then I put on a smile and told my sole mate you are going to be fine. FINE. You are going to live. I had to believe it ,in that moment, to be able to just get to the next step. We left the doctors office that day and just went to the parking lot, we just sat and cried. I called my parents, because I didn’t know what to do next. I saw the fear in my husbands eyes. This is something I never want to see again. We drove home, and then had to act like we were okay for our children. We ordered Pizza Hut on the way home, I know that sounds weird, but we had to eat something, and that just sounded good. I believe that is where some of my weight issues began (more on that later). Our first emotion was fear.

FEAR

Fear will paralyze you, it will cause physical reactions you have no control over. You will feel crazy. Your legs will twitch, heck everything can twitch. You don’t hear people talking to you because your listening to yourself in your head.You will carry a pocket full of tissues. And again, you will feel crazy. We lived in a constant state of fear for about 4 days. If you have ever had to wait on a test result for you, or someone you hold dear, you know this is pure hell. Hell. We had 3 children at that time, they did not know what was going on. So I had to put on face that would not present panic to my children. We had to hide this from them until we found out what we were dealing with. This was not easy. This time in my life is somewhat of a blur. I don’t remember details, but I do know God was with us the entire time. He is the only reason we were able to push through the fear and keep going. I was on some kind of adrenalin rush, I don’t know how I was even able to function. I would lay awake at night crying wondering what would I do if my husband died. That was the only safe place and time to cry. I posted to Facebook asking for prayers for our family, and confided in a few people. So the day the doctor called with the biopsy results I was here at home, and Shawn was at work. The doctor called me first, but he couldn’t tell me anything before he spoke to my husband. I waited, and waited, and then my phone rang. My husband had a tone in his voice that I hadn’t heard in a while. Hope. I heard hope. We were first told by the doctor that my husband may have 5 years at the most to live ( you can’t imagine the things that ran through my head then), but today he told him the best news we’ve ever heard, ” your prognosis is good, with chemo and radiation you should be able to live a long life with your family. My mom and I prayed right in that moment, thanking Jesus for prayers answered.

Now for the next emotion, Anger. You may ask, you just got good news why is there anger? Remember this is an emotional journey. We went between so many emotions so often they all started to get blurred. But anger, this emotion was starting to raise it’s ugly head. In coming posts I will start to explore, and open up about my anger. I haven’t told my story from my emotional point of view. I feel this a place to start and the time. I may hurt some feeling here, I may offend, or I may just encourage someone going through their own emotional journey. Please feel free to share with me some of your stories. If we can talk about them, they no longer can have a hold over us. Jeremiah 29:11 is my life verse, go look it up and see why.

God Bless,
Alana